What God has taught me in 2012

Goodness, I barely remembered how to sign into this thing. It's been over a year since I posted! Yikes!

Anyway, I just waned to write down some thoughts of what God has been teaching me this year. It's certainly been a year filled with many bumps in the road. Here are my jumbled up thoughts.

I've always dreamed of having a large family with four or five kids. I love getting together with all my siblings and I couldn't imagine a family of two kids. Seems a little boring to me...no offense. So after having two children I just thought it'd be fairly easy to get pregnant the third time around. I was wrong. Honestly, the entire time I was pregnant with Caden I had a feeling this would be last one so I remember trying to enjoy each stage as best I could. Through almost five years of infertility God taught me MUCH as he often does. First he taught me that he LOVES me and that he truly wants what is best for me. He taught me to die to my dreams and to live for Him and his purposes for my life. He taught me grace for others. He taught me to trust in him with all of my heart and to lean not on my own understanding.

Fast forward 4.5 years to March 2012. We're PREGNANT! I seriously could not believe it when I took the pregnancy test. I was freaking out and jumping for joy all at the same time. I was beginning to adjust to having two kids and seeing the blessing that it was. Plus, we had moved out of the napping, scheduling, diapering, stage and I was loving this new phase of life. But, we were pregnant and how could we not REJOICE! We just knew this child was from God and that he had given us a gift that we would treasure always.

At first I wasn't feeling too sick but the morning sickness kicked in around 6 weeks. We kinda knew what to expect this time around and so I slept as much as possible to try to help with the morning sickness. Chris did EVERYTHING around the house. He was my knight and shinning armor to the rescue as he always is for me. He bought the groceries, prepared the meals, taught Hannah how to mop the floor, helped with laundry, ran to various restaurants whenever I would getting a craving....oh, and he also seemed to fit in a full time job. :) I went in for my first check up at 9 weeks and got to hear the babies heart beat. It was amazing! I began feeling a little better around 10 weeks and we were SO thankful! (Normally I'm sick until around 18 weeks.)

When Caden and I went in for my 12 week check up I already had a baby bump. I was SO excited that Caden could hear the babies heart beat with me. It was a BEAUTIFUL day out, 72 degrees, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. We waltz in the Dr's office expecting a routine visit and of course it was anything but normal. The second they could not find the heartbeat I knew something was very wrong. When I saw the ultrasound I just could not believe it. You could prefectly see our precious baby. It's head, belly, arms, legs, spinal cord. So perfect formed but there was no heart beat, he was already safely in the arms of Jesus.

I was shocked. What happened? Was it my fault? Did I do something? Why would God give me a child after all these years only to take it away from me so soon? Through all the pain that the next few days, weeks and months would hold there is something I remember much more then any of that. The AMAZING grace, love, peace and comfort of Christ. I remember walking out of the office that day, devestated and crushed, but still marveling at the beauty of the day that God had given. Somehow God gave me eyes to see the beauty of that day. When I got home I had a pot of flowers that had burst open that day which I felt was straight from the hand of God. He was reminding me that he not only takes away, he also brings new life. He held our family in ways I never imagined were possible. When we were weak, HE was strong. He encouraged us through our amazing family, friends and church. I cannot tell you how much everyones emails, phone calls, cards, gifts and flowers ministered to our family. It reminded us very much that we are not alone, God has given us an amazing support system even though we are far from family.

Through it all I knew that God had a plan to work this miscarriage out for good. I didn't know how, I didn't know what he would teach me (honestly, I thought what he was teaching me were the same lessons he taught me through infertility. Trust in him, believing that he is good etc).

Fast forward to November 2012, the month we were suppose to welcome out little one home. Sometimes we face hard days, like losing a child to a misscarriage, but right now it's the daily struggles that are hardest for me. Right now I am dealing with some parenting issues that quite honestly are difficult for me to deal with. It's nothing major (things like siblings not getting along etc) but in my world right now, it's big to me. I don't feel equipped to be a mother. I get impatient and angry with my kids. I get frustrated with them when they don't live up to my unrealistic expectations. Where is God in all that? Why does he not seem to be giving me patience and peace? What is God teaching me? When we went through our miscarriage I remember several people saying things like "your faith is so strong," or "you have such a strong faith I know you'll be alright." Honestly at the time, I thought "yeah, God has given me a strong faith and I know we'll be OK." I did feel surprisingly strong through the entire lose, even though it hurt so deeply. But now God is opening my eyes (praise HIM) to see how very weak my faith is. The strength through my miscarriage did not come through me or my strong faith it was completely from the hand of God. ALL HIM! God has graciously taught me that I do not need to have the strength, he will provide it.

Recently I have been involved in a women's Bible Study through my church. This week we were talking about women being Lifegivers and boy did it hit me smack dab between the eyes. One part of our study was about Hagar . Hagar was the servant of Sarah, Abraham's wife. Sarah could not bear children so she told her servant Hagar to sleep with Abraham and conceieve a son. Hagar obeyed and bore Ishmael. Years went by and to make a long story short Sarah was ticked at Hagar and threw her out of the house. Being a single mother with no means Hagar began to wander in the dessert with her son Ishmael. She was out of food and water and she knew her son would die so she placed him under a tree and went away so she didn't have to watch him suffer and die. Ishmael began to cry and God heard the crying. God then spoke to Hagar and opened her eyes to see a well (the source of life) and they lived and Ishmael grew up to be a young man. Here's what my book says regarding that story.

"God's gift of renewal means it does not all depend upon our strength. When we are out of strength, He picks us up with gifts of power and life we did not know existed. God opened Hagar's eyes to see a new well. When she was out of energy, He renews her by giving her a new well, a well she had not seen, one she did not even know was there."

Oh thank you Jesus! Those words bring me to tears everytime I read them. Some days I feel God giving me strength, other days I feel very weak. I often don't see the well, I often don't believe that one is there. I often try to rely on my strength. But God is there and he promises to renew me even when I think it's impossible.

Looking back on this difficult year I can honestly say that I am THANKFUL for it. I am thankful that God loves me SO much that he continually teaches me more about my need for him. I am thankful that he does not leave me in my sinful state but continues to sanctify me daily. I am thankful for a God who renews me with wells of water when I cannot even see. I am praying that God will help me to continue to trust and rely on him more fully each day.